I know that a lot of people believe that end times are rapidly approaching.
According to the Bible, the warning signs that the world is coming to an end include war, famine, earthquakes, pestilence, crime, pollution, the breakdown of the family, turning from God, religious hypocrisy and widespread apathy and ridicule toward the evidence of the approaching end.
Even though these are certainly the main warning signs that end times are nearing, I think there may be some other lesser-known signs that we are rapidly approaching the apocalypse. For example, how much longer can we all have when Olympic officials vote in favor of making breakdancing an Olympic sport in 2024? I know you think I’m kidding, but unfortunately, I’m not. A dance fad from the 1970s is on its way to being an Olympic sport. Hey, if breakdancing is going to be in the Olympics, then why not Hula Hoop, Darts
or Pog. Based on this ominous decision by the International Olympic Committee, I wouldn’t be surprised if the four horseman show up sometime in late 2023.
Another definite sign that end times may be upon us is that, last year, teenagers began
eating Tide Pods. They even named it the “Tide Pod Challenge,” which involves popping a
laundry detergent-filled pod in your mouth and then filming yourself as you gag, make yourself sick and almost die on camera. The challenge became so rampant that Tide had to actually release a video starring New England Patriot tight end Rob Gronkowski in which the football player had to explain why eating a Tide Pod was a bad idea.
It wouldn’t surprise me that, somewhere buried deep in the crawlspace under the Vatican, there is some ancient scripture that reads, “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority however, once people start eating Tide Pods keep your head on a swivel for the trumpet playing seventh angel.” The only reason that verse didn’t make the final cut for the Bible was because some wise apostle probably thought, “We can’t put this verse in the Bible. No one is ever going to believe that 2,000 years from now, people are going to be so stupid that they would eat Tide Pods on a lark.”
Here are some other signs that end of times are near and that the possible cause of our demise will simply be loss of brain function. Last March, someone in Arizona called
the cops to ask if the dinosaurs at a local parks “Day of the Dinosaurs” event were real. That same month, someone in Michigan called the cops to report a DEMENTOR
from the “Harry Potter” movies was loose and flying around. It turned out to be a garbage bag. And a couple months later, a bakery in South Carolina refused to write “Summa Cum Laude” on a graduation cake because they thought it was something sexual.
If none of that convinces you that the end of the world is right around the corner, then this little gem should. According to the “Wall Street Journal,” which is one of the few remaining trustworthy national newspapers left in America, parents have started hiring tutors for their kids (sounds good so far, but wait) ... for them to be better at VIDEO GAMES!! Yes, video-game tutors are now a real thing, but worse than that, idiotic parents are paying for them. Just when you think parenting can’t get any worse, it somehow does.
This is why when Florida State University announced that freshmen could skip mandatory stress-reductions class “if they felt it would be too stressful,” no one should be surprised. It’s a good thing the world is ending because we have raised an entire generation of people who can’t survive on their own anyway.
There’s an old saying “when pigs fly,” denoting that something is unlikely to happen. Here is the new version of that: “When monkeys fly the world is likely to end, especially if they need an emotional-support dog to do so.” I’m not making any of this up, but I wish I was.
Last August, a woman flying United Airlines (motto: our service sucks so bad you’ll wish the plane crashes), brought along her emotional-support monkey but get this, the emotional-support monkey brought along its own emotional-support dog. Allowing people to have emotional-support animals is a sign that end of times are nearing. Allowing emotional-support animals to have their own emotional-support animals is a sign that the end of the world needs to hurry up and get here.
If wacky snowflake behavior isn’t enough of a sign that the apocalypse is upon us, then out-of-control political correctness most certainly is.
Special bathrooms for people who can’t figure out if they are a boy or a girl, calling illegal aliens “undocumented immigrants” and tearing down historical statues were the just the start of all God needed to see to cash in His chips.
The political-correctness movement also gave us Colorado State University banning the phrase “long time, no see” because they think it is offensive to people of
Asian descent. And after 115 years, Nabisco decided to redesign its animal crackers box so that the animals would appear to be running free. Ugh.
But get this, just last week, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced that the league will no longer have any team “owners” and now owners will be referred to as “governors.” I can just imagine NBA star Lebron James walking up to Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban and saying “Top of the morning to you, Governor.”
That decision alone is definitive proof that we are days away from God Himself appearing in the clouds to tell us, “Wow, I may have made a big mistake when I created y’all.” I’m going to leave you with one last sign that this very well could be our last moments on
On June 6 of this year, a swarm of insects was spotted over California that was so large that it showed up on the National Weather Service radar. OK, it was ladybugs not locusts, but still it was an incredibly large, massive blob of ladybugs that was blotting out the
sun. That has got to be a sign of something. If nothing else, let’s hope that it is at least the end of California.