Right now, the number of Democrats seeking their party’s nomination for President of the United States in 2020 sits at a number that is, quite frankly, mind-numbing. Too many to count really. The Dems have people running who are so obscure that no one has ever heard of them. People who would have to introduce themselves at family gatherings.
Therefore, as a favor to the readers of this column, I thought I would help introduce you to the Democrat primary hopefuls so that you can be educated about who you want President Trump to beat like a drum a year and five months from now.
Let’s start at the top.
Joe Biden: He is the clear front-runner to win the Democratic primary. Joe doesn’t need much of an introduction because he is a career politician who has been in the national spotlight since winning a Delaware Senate seat way back in 1973 (for some perspective on just how long that is, I was 10 years old). Joe is the very definition of a swamp creature, lifelong politician. He’ll say whatever he has to say to win the nomination and then will say the complete opposite to try to win the presidency.
Like most swamp creatures (see Alex Hodge), Joe has gotten rich during his time in office. I give him a 65 percent chance of winning the nomination because most Democrats see him as having the best chance to beat Trump, and right now, the Dems would vote for Satan himself if they thought he could beat Trump.
Trump nickname: “Sleepy Joe;” alternate nicknames: “SleepyCreepy Joe” or “Handsy Joe.”
Best reason to vote for Biden: You love the swamp!
Bernie Sanders: America’s oldest commie is back, but now he is back as a hypocritical millionaire! After getting hosed by Hillary in 2016, Bernie is the leader among the many socialists running for president in a party that should change its name from “The Democrat Party” to “The Socialist Party.” By the way, if you hear one of the candidates say they are “progressive,” don’t be fooled. It means they are socialist. I give Bernie a 15 percent chance of winning the nomination. If he can weed out all of the other pure socialists who are running and get into a head-to-head battle with Biden, he has a chance to take him down.
Trump nickname: “Crazy Bernie;” alternate nickname: “Comrade Sanders” or “The Socialist Millionaire.”
Best reason to vote for Sanders: You love Karl Marx!
Pete Buttigieg: The openly gay millennial mayor of South Bend, Ind., is best known for locking lips on stage with his husband at his campaign launch. He’s not known for much else. This won’t earn him the presidency, but it earns him an 11 percent chance of his wacky political party’s nomination because, let’s face it, this is a party that thinks we need special bathrooms for people who can’t decide what sex they are.
Trump nickname: “Alfred E. Neuman;” alternate nicknames: Ummmm just look at his name and work them out on your own so that I don’t get in trouble. Or “Young, Gay Bernie Sanders.”
Best reason to vote for Buttigeig: You always wanted to see two dudes kissing in the Oval Office.
Kamala Harris: A first-term senator from the wacky state of California should tell you all you need to know about Harris. She is generally a socialist who also believes in open borders, sanctuary cities and Medicare-for-all. She believes she can get enough Hillary supporters because she is a woman and enough Obama supporters because she is a woman of color to be able to win her party’s nomination. I give her a 5 percent chance to do just that.
Likely Trump nickname: “Nasty Kamala;” alternate nicknames: “California Kamala” or “Sister Souljah.”
Best reason to vote for Harris: You love MS-13 gang members!
Elizabeth Warren: A senator from the wacky state of Massachusetts should tell you all you need to know about Warren. That and she got caught in a lie claiming that she was of Native American heritage. She is the female version of Bernie Sanders, but with a touch more crazy. I give her a 1 percent chance of winning.
Trump nickname: “Pocahontas;” alternate nicknames: “Goofy Elizabeth Warren” or “Crazy Lady Sanders.”
Best reason to vote for Warren: You love crazy people!
Beto O’Rourke: This guy is kind of amusing because he gained national notoriety by LOSING to Ted Cruz in a senate race. For a short while, Beto was the darling of the Democrat Party, but it’s become apparent when he already had to relaunch his campaign that the love for the Texas congressman has faded considerably. Beto is nothing but image. There is no meat and bones about him. He doesn’t even really know where he stands on issues. Like Barack Obama, his entire appeal is based solely on having a young, cool image. It worked for Obama, but I don’t think O’Rourke is going to rebound. I give him a 1 percent chance.
Trump nickname: “Beto the Flake;” alternate nicknames: “Stone Cold Phony” or “Beto O’Loser.”
Best reason to vote for O’Rourke: You think he’s dreamy!
Cory Booker: In 2013, he became the first African-American senator from the armpit of America — New Jersey. Prior to that, he was the mayor of Newark, which, coincidentally, happens to be the armpit of New Jersey. Booker believes that every child born in America should be given a “nest egg,” making him some sort of weird socialist mad scientist. Booker admitted to once groping a girl against her will, but on a bright note, he is dating the hot actress Rosario Dawson. I give Booker a 1 percent chance of winning the nomination but a 20 percent chance at attending the 2020 Oscars ceremony.
Trump nickname: “No Future Booker;” alternate nicknames: “Mr. Rosario Dawson” or “Obama Lite.”
Best reason to vote for Booker: You love recessions!
Kirsten Gillibrand: Hillary Clinton’s replacement as a senator from New York is counting on winning over those Hillary supporters, but it’s highly unlikely. Her main cause seems to be the “#MeToo movement,” and by criticizing Bill Clinton, she pretty much shot herself in the foot. I’ll give her a 1 percent chance of winning the nomination.
Trump nickname: “Lightweight Kirsten;” alternate nicknames: “Schumer’s Angel” or “Hillary Lite.”
Best reason to vote for Gillibrand: She’s not Elizabeth Warren.
Then there are those who stand zero percent chance of winning: New York Mayor Bill De Blasio, who is possibly the worst mayor in history and is hated by his own constituents; Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar, who announced she was running to fight global warming while standing in the middle of a Minnesota blizzard; Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard, a Hindu woman who seems to hate gays but likes Syrian President Bashar al-Assad; and California Rep. Eric Swalwell, who is, without a doubt, one of the dumbest politicians in D.C. and once threatened to use nukes against American citizens who wouldn’t voluntarily give up their Second Amendment rights.
Oh yeah. There’s also a bunch more people no one has ever heard of who have less than zero percent chance of winning, such as Michael Bennet, Seth Moulton, Mike Gravel, Tim Ryan, Jay Inslee, Julian Castro, John Delaney, Andrew Yang, Marianne Williamson, Wayne Messam and my personal favorite, John Hickenlooper.
If any Democrat comes out of the ashes to win the party’s nomination, I hope it is John Hickenlooper … just so we can see what nickname Trump would give him.
Jim Cegielski is publisher of the Leader-Call. He lives in Laurel.